Why Women Lead Differently from Men: And Why You Should Stop Apologizing for It
By: Kathy Archer, Leadership Development Coach
“Am I too soft to be a good leader?” one of the nonprofit leaders I coach asked me the other day. She was worried her natural style of caring was hindering her ability to lead. It made my heart ache a bit. Her question was so similar to what I often hear from my female leadership clients. The other day, someone asked me, “Why does it feel like I have to be someone else at work?” Often it’s an exhausted sigh as they bemoan, “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
All of them are asking the same thing, really. The way they naturally lead doesn’t align with the leadership model they thought was right because they’ve seen it everywhere. And they’ve spent years assuming that means something is wrong with them.
It doesn’t. And, I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you, other than what you’ve been unconsciously taught for so many years. You can lead in a way that feels good to you, aligned with who you are at your core, and that style of leadership can be very impactful.
The Template Was Never Built for Us
Let’s back up for a moment and think about what you’ve learned about leadership. You may have never thought about where most of our leadership models came from.
The books. The training programs. The bosses we watched and tried to learn from. For most of us, those role models were men. And many of the men who wrote the early leadership manuals came straight out of military service. So it’s no wonder that for decades, the “right” way to lead was directive, task-oriented, hierarchical, competitive and emotionally restrained. With that masculine style of leadership, you set your goals, made quick, decisive decisions, kept your people at arm’s length, and definitely didn’t cry!
And it’s no wonder that that style doesn’t feel right for us.
In Character Driven Leadership for Women, I remind readers that women have been taught, often subconsciously, by the work world that we should lead with a more masculine leadership style, one that expected us to leave our emotional, creative, and relationship-oriented traits at the door. What are typically considered feminine traits have not been valued as professional or effective; therefore, we have not valued those qualities in ourselves.
But that isn’t the way that works for us. We are women, feminine and therefore are more naturally inclined to those traits. That is what makes us effective. So there is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t incompetent when you have emotions or care deeply. Those more feminine traits are not weaknesses. We have spent years trying to squeeze ourselves into a leadership style that wasn’t designed for how we function best. It’s time to change that.
How Men and Women Tend to Lead
Let me be clear, I am not saying every man leads one way, and every woman leads another. It’s not even really about men and women. It’s about masculine and feminine leadership traits, and those aren’t owned by either gender. There are men who lead with feminine traits: they’re collaborative, relational and emotionally attuned. And there are women who lead with more masculine traits: directive, decisive, task-first. Neither is wrong. But most of us have a natural lean, and for women, that lean has been the one the workplace told us to hide. That’s why we don’t feel true to ourselves when we lead primarily with masculine traits.
In a nutshell, here’s the difference.
Women leaders tend to lead through relationships. They invest in the people around them, build real trust, make decisions collaboratively, and bring a lot of emotional awareness to how they manage their teams.
Men tend to lead more through direction: clear expectations, defined roles, quick decisions and positional authority. Both get things done.
In the nonprofit world, we care passionately about our work. We aren’t here because of the big paycheque. That means that a woman’s natural leadership can be much more effective. The traits we are talking about are often called soft skills. But it’s those soft skills that give you your ability to build a team that actually wants to show up and do the work, which is the strength your team needs.
Neither set of traits is better. In fact, we need to pull from both at different times. But what I really want you to hear is that the way women tend to lead, the relationship-building, the emotional attentiveness, the investing in people, is not a softer version of real leadership. It is real leadership. It’s just not the kind you may have learned has as much value. But it totally can be.
The Cost of Pretending to Be Someone You’re Not
So if women’s natural strengths as leaders are so effective, why do so many of us still feel like we’re getting it wrong? Again, because that’s what we have learned. As such, we’ve spent years armouring up, trying to push down all that “softness.” Me included.
For years, I led as if I were wearing someone else’s clothes. In fact, I was wearing someone else’s style because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. I’d “suit up.” That left me feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, like I had to put on a facade every single day. And it wasn’t just the clothes. My leadership style didn’t fit either. I was trying to lead like I saw others do, and it left me exhausted because I was always performing a role. No wonder I stripped off my work clothes after work and got into yoga pants the second I got home.
You’ve probably done it too. You put on a business face and try to shut your emotions off because you’re not supposed to be too emotional. You try to stay detached and don’t speak up too much. God forbid we seem too bossy or aggressive. We think that’s what being a professional leader looks like. The problem is that somewhere in all that trying to be what we think we are supposed to be, we lost track of who we actually were. And it can get us into trouble.
There was a point in my career as a senior leader when I was managing everything on my plate just fine, but it didn’t last. The arrival of a large new contract left me scrambling to keep up. Suddenly, the responsibility, travel, staffing, and budget all piled on at once, and I was overloaded and overwhelmed. I thought that, to be the best leader in this situation, I had to take control and lean into a more masculine style of leadership. I became a bit of a drill sergeant.
I railroaded through with my own plan instead of listening to my team’s ideas. I stopped keeping my word. I stopped following through on promises. I just made things happen that needed to be done, often at the cost of trust and relationships.
The staff pushed back on my “new” style of leadership. That year’s performance appraisal said it plainly: “Kathy lacks integrity.” Ooof. The team filed a grievance against me. I was terrified of being fired and ready to quit at the same time. And I’d gotten there because I abandoned the very traits that had made me effective in the first place.
Had I leaned in with more empathy, curiosity, humility, and vulnerability, asked my team for genuine help, perhaps things would have been very different.
What Happens When You Lead Like Yourself
When you suppress your natural strengths and lead from behind the armour, your team pays the price too.
What had been a trusting, cohesive group became tense and fragmented. Engagement dropped. In place of the team I’d built came bickering, tension, and conversations that stopped the moment I walked into the room. All because I’d decided my feminine leadership traits weren’t enough for the situation.
Flip that around. When you lead from who you actually are, with real care for the people on your team, with your values showing up in how you make decisions, something different happens. People want to be there. They do their best work not because someone is managing them to, but because they genuinely want to. Empathy isn’t a liability. It’s what makes people feel valued enough to stay, grow, and give you their best.
That’s not soft. That’s powerful.
Stop Apologizing for How You Lead
Here’s what I want you to hear clearly: your feminine leadership traits are not something to manage down or compensate for. They are the point.
The double bind is real. Be collaborative, and you’re “too soft.” Be direct, and you’re “too aggressive.” Show emotion, and you’re “unprofessional.” Keep it together, and you’re “cold.”
There is no version of ourselves that gets it right in everyone’s eyes. So you may as well get it right in your own.
When I finally stopped trying to lead like someone I wasn’t, everything changed. I felt more confident, stronger, and more impactful. I wasn’t putting on an act. I was just being me. Partly because I allowed my feminine traits to be part of how I led.
So here’s your permission slip.
Stop shrinking your relational instincts. Stop managing your empathy down. Stop treating collaboration like a weakness you need to compensate for with a tougher edge. Your ability to read the room, invest in your people, and build real trust is not a nice-to-have. In the nonprofit sector, where people stay for the mission and not the money, it is your greatest leadership advantage.
You don’t need to lead more like a man. You need to lead more like you.
That’s what character-driven leadership is. And yes, it really does change everything.
About the Author
Kathy Archer knows what it’s like to constantly put out fires, question every decision, and carry the weight of an entire organization. She was once that overwhelmed nonprofit leader, teetering on the edge of burnout. Now, as a leadership development coach, Kathy helps nonprofit leaders stop drowning in work, doubting themselves, and carrying it all alone, so they can lead with confidence, set boundaries, and finally take control of their leadership and their lives.
Kathy is the author of Mastering Confidence and Character Driven Leadership for Women, and she runs The Training Library, a membership site where nonprofit leaders get the tools, courses, and coaching they need to build their confidence, develop their character, and create balance as they lead.